Completely unillustrated and unassociated with Tim Burton.
Sticky Boy and Dry Girl
Sticky Boy loved Dry Girl
He stuck to her like glue
But Dry Girl found him clingy
Like gum under her shoe.
She washed and scraped and powdered
Nothing quelled his filthy lust.
So she baked him in an oven
Until he crumbled into dust.
Sandwich Toaster Boy
Mrs Smith cheated on her husband
She did it in the kitchen.
She did it with a kitchen appliance
She thought that it was bitchin’.
Nine months later a baby was born
She called him Little Neville
He looked just like his sandwich toaster daddy,
But without the trademark ‘Breville’.
For two weeks she loved her shiny son
Eating toasties every day.
But then she found a blender, who juiced and was slender
Now in the cupboard, Neville sits, tucked away.
Unplugged.
Gumballino
The boy with the domed, shiny head, was in fact a piece of confectionary. Created by the kindly sweet shop keep, Grandfather Picklejam. Grandfather Picklejam had no children of his own, even though he had many grandchildren. Lonely in his colourful corner store he set about to create a prodigy in his own style – a bit like Frankenstein, but with golden syrup. He worked day and night. Well from about 3pm to 9:30pm, which is technically true. Grandfather Picklejam experimented with strawberry sourz, fudge, peanut based chocolates and liquorice laces (but these reminded him too much of black people). After many failed half boy, half sweet hybrids, howling in pain as they struggled to breathe before being re-melted into the sugar spinner, Grandfather Picklejam finally created his ideal boy – Gumballino.
Gumballino was a Gumball that thought he was Italian. “Papa!” cried Gumballino – a bit like those annoying puppets from the Dolmio advert. “I love you Papa.”
It was the first time Picklejam had ever been called anything other than Grandfather since the day he was born. He was so happy. Positively bursting with happiness, like a balloon filled with sickly syrup. Papa Grandfather Picklejam lavished so much attention on his sucker son that his business failed. Also, most of the neighbour children had turned to their cake shop rivals ‘Soggy Biscuit’. It wasn’t long before Picklejam and Gumballino were living on the breadline. Except they didn’t have bread, just the remnants of the sweet shop. Riding a never ending rollercoaster of sugar highs and vomitousness took its toll on the family of two. Wide eyed, they searched every crevice of the shop for dropped dusting sugar like shameful smackheads until they had licked their tongues bloody.
Both father and mutant son were wasting away, there was nothing for it, Picklejam ate Gumballino! Gumballino was a substantial gobstopper and Picklejam knew it would keep him alive for some time to come. The down side for Gumballino (apart from death, obviously) was that this meant his demise would take some time. And it did. Seven agonising hours Gumballino disintegrated within the mouth of his once beloved “Papa”. With his last ounce of glucose, Gumballino cursed his life and its progenitor. And you know what? It worked. Grandfather nee Papa Picklejam got severe diabetes and died alone. The policeman who found his body (it was his first day) noted that the corpse had a lingering sweet aroma...
The Boy with Nails in his Ears
The boy with nails in his ears
was a lot like the boy with nails in his eyes
except that he could see more
and hear less.
The Girl with Two Noses
‘Sniff-Sniff’ was not her name.
It was a nickname.
Because Noreen (that was her real name) had two noses.
They sat on her face (of course, otherwise it would just be silly) side by side, like nestling lovebirds.
One was for pleasant smells, the other bad.
Two nose-Noreen was not averse to her quadrinostril features, but thought, one day, how delightful it would be to never smell a rancid fart again.
So she had her ‘bad’ nose surgically removed.
On her way home she skipped gaily through a field of poppies, delighting in the fresh aromas, not giving a jot for the cow pat adorning her shoe.
She made her dinner with twenty cloves of garlic. The house reeked, but it meant nothing to her.
She went to bed, dissolving into her freshly washed bedsheets, and wished her solitary schnozz goodnight.
But Noreen had forgotten the garlic roast she was preparing for lunch the next day, and left the cooker on. Cloves exploded. Fire raged through the kitchen and all the while Noreen slept, her nose alerting her to nothing, for all it cared about were nice things.
One nose Noreen choked to death. It was observed (in a terrible rag newspaper) that she had cut off her nose to spite her face – which wasn’t entirely accurate.
Gas Boy
Gas Boy wasn’t nothing,
Just a little formless.
His vapours were anaesthetising
And made those around him gormless.
It got quite boring
As he couldn’t have a conversation
So he slowly dissipated
As he lost his concentration.
The ‘Oh it’s you’ Boy
I know a boy who has no name.
We just say ‘Oh it’s you’.
His anonymity is close to fame.
But who he is, I’ve not a clue.
Billy Brick
Billy Brick is red and hard.
He doesn’t have any friends
He tries to win them with a hug.
But his rough skin just offends.
You must build bridges said Billy’s Mum
It was a metaphor.
But Billy took that literally
And thought construction was the cure.
He tried to stretch across the river
But one brick is too small.
He slipped on the bank, to the river bed sank.
And Billy was seen no more.
Hat Stand Girl
Four year old Jenny was six foot tall.
She had an ugly face.
So her mother used her as a hat stand
To cover her disgrace.
The Fat Fairy
The Fat Fairy ate too much pie.
The Fat Fairy couldn’t fly.
The Fat Fairy ate too many dishes.
The Fat Fairy couldn’t grant wishes.
The Fat Fairy ate too many sweeties
The Fat Fairy died of diabetes.
Joseph
Joseph the Jewish Christmas tree
Smelled of unfulfilled potential -
with a hint of pine.
The Happy Life of Clam Girl
Mrs Fetch loved the Sun
She’d sunbathe until red
She looked just like a lobster
(once it’s been cooked and is very dead)
Her husband called her ‘snippy wild’
And he loved her very much.
So they decided to have a bonnie child.
But it wasn’t a baby as such.
Mrs Fetch’s crustacean front
Had touched her to the gene.
So what did she squeeze out of her ****
The biggest clam you’ve ever seen!
You might think this would make her sad
But Mrs Fetch loved her Clam
And Mr Fetch was a very proud dad.
To their fishy daughter Pam.
Love is in the sky, Love is in the sea.
It’s a story with a happy end.
But a dubious message about the use of suncream.
Jam Pig
It seemed to all that Jam Pig
Might be a tasty treat.
But no one knew if Jam Pig
Would be savoury or sweet.